Money phoned in from the slums of Seirra Leone tonight to report that he worked for days to rig his iPhone to receive a satellite signal, just to watch sports for a minute. When he finally got it to work tonight, guess what was on…I’ll let him tell it:
“A special about the %&^$*%& NFL Draft. FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!”
The last we heard from him, he was lying in the fetal position crying as the last bar of his phone’s battery life faded. Thanks ESPN for killing our friend, possibly.
Billy Goat: BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS, ESPN!
Damn you, ESPN, for killing my friend, and for doing it before his club could sign Manny Ramirez and do the deed itself. Hell, now Money has no chance to enjoy the Cespedes era before the OaklandShouldBeSanJoseByNowJustGetANewStadiumAlready A’s could watch him leave via free agency for the Red Sox in four years. Damn you.
What, you don’t know this Cespedes kid? No freakin’ way. I’m stunned. Maybe that’s because ESPN KEEPS CRUSHING US UNDER USELESS DRIVEL CONCERNING THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!
Anybody tune in to check out Mike & Mike this morning? They had two football helmets on the table in front of them. NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (!) helmets. Know why? Because they’re already doing their dumb-ass “Two-a-Days” specials, where they break down last season for each team in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE(!). Thanks, cause that’s exactly what I want to hear three days before pitchers and catchers report, a few hours after the latest Jeremy Lin-gasm and in the thick of college basketball season. Yes, give me the breakdown on just how the Jacksonville goddam Jaguars went 4-12 this season. Give it to me guys. I need it.
You killed my friend, ESPN. Before he even got to rant about Nancy Grace murdering Whitney Houston.
Damn you.
